“While we are exploring the human emotion of love, we need to explore the relationship between love and jealousy, because love and jealousy frequently intertwine. Jealousy is actually not an aspect of love. Jealousy is a very basic and powerful emotion. Similar to love, hate and fear, jealousy is part of our old brain, also known as our reptilian brain.”( Gregory Spohr)
We, quite literally, cannot live without one another. When we’re adults, we can survive without others, but we can’t live. People in solitary confinement, if they’re not careful to engage their minds, go crazy. We need each other. Period. So what's behind jealousy?
Most people feel a little jealous sometimes, especially when they have strong feelings of attraction and love for their partner, and a little jealousy occasionally can add zest to a relationship. Some jealousy in a relationship is natural, normal and healthy.
In jealousy, our deep fear of being obliterated in the mind of someone we love is about the fear of losing our connections to others, about being unimportant, rejected, banished by our group to wander the desolate wastelands, alone. Jealousy taps directly into the well of the most intense, uncomfortable, difficult-to-sit-with emotions that humans can experience. It’s no wonder it’s so hard to deal with and makes us so crazy.
The purpose of any jealousy is to avoid being hurt or to lessen hurt that has already happened but sometimes jealousy makes people do crazy things. A proactive jealousy rarely manifests as violence or self harm. While anger is a part of this type of jealousy it never takes control of actions. Jealousy exists to protect you from harm, not to control the behavior of others. It is an emotion that can get out of control if you let it. Your can never control another person but you can help yourself when that person is hurting you. Healthy jealousy can help you identify and deal with some of life’s more unpleasant lessons.
Jealousy is excruciatingly uncomfortable. People sometimes try to make themselves feel better by trying to get their partner jealous. Don't do this.
Why do we feel jealousy?
Jealousy is fear of loss. “Jealousy can manifest as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation, sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, feeling excluded. It often helps to identify what is the exact mix of feelings you experience when you feel jealous. Jealousy is about fear of the unknown and of change, fear of losing power or control in a relationship, fear of scarcity and of loss, and fear of abandonment. It is a reflection of our own insecurity about our worthiness, anxiety about being adequate as a lover, and doubts about our desirability.”( Kathy Labriola)
That people who feel inadequate, insecure, or overly dependent tend to be more jealous than others. Jealousy and anger are emotional reactions to believing scenarios in your mind that are not true. There are a number of elements that create the dynamic of jealousy. Principle triggers of jealousy are beliefs that create feelings of insecurity.
A poor self image and lack of self confidence can result in making you feel insecure about a relationship and this can be a strong reason that can make you jealous. If you believe that you look ugly or that you are not that handsome then chances are you'll be experiencing feeling of jealousy whenever you meet someone who looks better than you.
“I'm so jealous that when I see anyone near her I want to hurt her. I have always loved her but do not think she has returned my affection. This jealousy is something I feel in my stomach and when it comes out of me there is nothing I can do about it. That is why I behave so madly....My wife is always telling me that other men are stronger and can beat me....I'm not a big chap or a handsome chap but my wife is so pretty and I don't think I come up to her high standards."
Pathological jealousy is soul-destroying, and shatters an otherwise loving relationship piece by piece. Trust, intimacy and connection are destroyed. . It is based on paranoia and insecurity not in reality. People suffering from an irrational jealousy rely heavily on their feelings that something is wrong even though there are no real signs that these feelings have merit. They are convinced that they are right to be jealous even when the evidence does not support their beliefs. It is very difficult to show them the truth. The most frightening and frustrating part of pathological jealousy is that the individual cannot be appeased or reassured. They don’t trust, and no matter what is said or done, the panic never eases. This form of jealousy is born from deep insecurities, feelings of being unlovable and a panicked need to have to control to feel safe. Pathological jealousy is truly narcissistic.
Many people use the words jealousy and envy interchangeably to describe the same emotional response, a general feeling of resentment towards a perceived rival.
An envious individual may feel ‘left out’ or resentful because their partner feels good about themselves, has great friends or a satisfying job.Jealousy is when you don’t want someone else to have what you want or what you might want. Envy is when you want something like what someone else has. Envy can lead us to achieve improvements, acquire additions, etc. while jealousy usually leads only to trouble.
A jealous person won’t come and tell you that he is jealous of you nor he will say it directly to one of his friends but instead his jealousy will appear in the form of hatred, resentment and gossiping. Not to hurt their Egos jealous people will never say it directly but the envy they have towards you will spill out of their mouths in the form of non constructive criticism, rude treatment or disrespect for you.
The next time you hear that someone was gossiping about you don’t become angry because there is a big probability that this person is jealous of you and that he found nothing better to do other than talking about you in your absence.
Jealousy is an emotion separate from the emotion of love. It may be confused with love because we don't want to lose love, any thing or one we perceive as a threat to our keeping that love we become jealous of.
The strongest part of any relationship is trust, without it, there is only the illusion of a relationship. If you can not trust with another, you are a captor, not a lover.
Jealousy is an emotion separate from the emotion of love. It may be confused with love because we don't want to lose love, any thing or one we perceive as a threat to our keeping that love we become jealous of. The love for and of another person doesn’t require jealousy to prove it or protect it.
Love, devotion, caring and the secure feelings of knowing your partner is committed to you and loves you are sufficient. This requires two people who are emotionally secure enough in themselves to know and trust the security of their love.Evolved couples also know: if their partner did leave them for another or play around, there is nothing they could do about it …other than accept it! More than this, they know that feeling jealous and behaving in insecure ways is the fastest way to destroy and lose a relationship. When love arises from the appreciation of each other's singularity rather than from qualities or characteristics many people have,there is no basis for comparison or competition and no danger of replacing one love-partner with another.
Becoming more authentic is a very important way to recreate ourselves as unique, irreplaceable persons.
“Likewise, two women or two men who are competing for the affections of the same person present their comparable qualities in the best possible light. Each woman is striving to be better than other women rather than trying to become unique and singular.”( James Park)
Love overrides rationality but…“By taking advantage of our rationality, we can calmly analyze our feelings of jealousy in a particular situation and can then calmly determine if an intimate relationship is actually threatened. If a threat does indeed exist, we can then calmly determine the course of action that will most likely result in retaining the love of our cherished partner, instead of disposing of our rival by nefarious means. By applying rationality to our basic emotions, we gain new perspectives and may even convert the dreaded event into an opportunity for improvement. Rational acceptance of what appears to be emotionally unacceptable, can help us overcome the extremely destructive forces involved in jealousy and will thus contribute to our happiness.” ( Gregory Spohr)
"Jealousy is very complicated. It has many ingredients in it. Cowardice also is one of them; egoistic attitudes is another; monopolistic desire — not an experience of love but only of possessiveness; a tendency to be competitive; a deep-rooted fear of being inferior…. So many things are involved in jealousy. And basically it is cowardice, because you are not trying to face the facts about your love in a straightforward manner. It is not a question of your lover loving somebody else; the question is, do you love the person? And you are not brave enough to face that question. And that is the real question to be asked. It is his life: where he goes, and whether he comes late or not…. You have loved the person as he is — and this is the way he is. And you never try to interfere in his privacy. You don’t open his letters; you don’t look into his pockets, into his diary and note the phone numbers. You don’t try to find out some clue. That is all ugly. You have to face it yourself. Yes, it is cowardice that keeps you in torture. Just face the facts, whether you love a man or not. If you love, then there are no conditions to be put. If you don’t love, then who are you to put conditions? Life is not difficult — we are making it so because we are cowards: we don’t see a thing which we know is there." Source – from Osho Book “Light on the Path”